A Mixed Bag – A bit of everything under the sun

How to choose your partner for life

Posted on: December 24, 2008


My friends will soon be starting guy-hunting and they wanted to know how to choose the person who will be right for you in an arranged marriage. There is no fixed formula for this and I say it is always an experiment of probability (I’m studying probability and I just had to bring this in!) where you don’t know what the outcome is until after the experiment is conducted. You will either be happy that you have met your perfect match or realize that you have made an error in judgment. This is true both in the cases of arranged and love marriages, because you never get to know a person until you live with him or her. (There are many who will disagree with me saying that you never get to know them even after that, but they will at least agree with my former sentence!).

But, don’t be discouraged. There are a few things which when realized will make one take sensible decisions and increase the odds of having a happy married life. I am no relationship expert, but I have learned a lot along the way and I’m happy to share hoping it helps.

What makes a good relationship?

1.       Love is not enough – Love is the most important ingredient in a relationship. But, remember it is not the only aspect that is required. During the first period, love is all one can see and all one needs. But as you progress, it becomes a process running silently in the background. Love must be a strong foundation, but it takes other things to raise the building.

2.       The other elements – A marriage, for it to sustain, requires trust, respect for each other’s views, friendship, freedom and above all the following one:

3.       Match your values – A good relationship requires as few adjustments as possible. It lasts only when you can be yourself in the relationship. For this to happen, it is necessary that what is important to you should be important for the other person. If these values are conflicting, you can’t expect a happy marriage.

Remember, I am not saying all your interests should match. It would be too boring if it was so. What should be the same are your ethics. There are a few things you absolutely can’t compromise on and if these are the same in your partner, that’s when both of you can be happy.

For example, if you are a person who stands for independence and the other person likes to dominate, one of them has to compromise. This is possible but only to a certain extent. You cannot change your basic values too much. So the perfect match here would be for the independent person to find a person who respects independence and for the control loving person to find someone who prefers to be controlled. All kinds of persons are out there and all you have to do is to find the best fit.

Finding what you want

But how do you know who fits you? There are ways to find out:

1.       Know yourself – Unless you know yourself, you can never know who you want. Block some time for yourself. Be relaxed, take some coffee or your favorite beverage (just don’t get drunk!), have a paper and clipboard with you and meet yourself.

2.       Find out who you stand for – Think about who you are as a person. If this feels too vague, let me explain. Think on these lines.

  • Are you a free bird or do you feel better when you are told what to do?
  • Are you an introvert or extrovert?
  • Do you think men and women or equal or that there are certain jobs for each of them and one cannot do the other?
  • Are you possessive? Do you like it when your partner is possessive or do you feel it inhibiting?
  • If you don’t like possessiveness, will you be willing to be as tolerant of your partner as well or will you be jealous?
  • Are you rational or emotional?
  • Are you diplomatic or are you straight forward?
  • Are you family oriented or want to live on your own?

Answer all these questions honestly and also explore other things that are not mentioned here. Write down what qualities you like, what you don’t like, what you can get along with and what you can’t. This step will go a long way in getting to know what kind of a person you want to marry. You should choose the one who thinks like you do

3.       Learn from people around you – You would have met a lot of persons in your life and you can draw a lot from the experience of being with them. These people can be your parents, siblings, friends, or just acquaintances. What they have in common is that, each of them has qualities you like and dislike. Think about each person and list what you like and don’t like. If these same qualities were in your partner, would you like it? This gives an important insight into how far you can tolerate in a relationship.

Finding out if the person is the one for you

This is the most difficult part. You can never know a person fully well, especially in a short span of time.  These are what you can do.

1.       Ask to spend time getting to know each other – Tell them that you do not like to decide in a meeting or two and that you would like some time. Chances are that the other person will agree too.

2.       Get comfortable – The first few meetings will always be to strike a good impression. So you will never know the real person. Use this time to just make the other person comfortable with you. If you start having tests for him, chances are that it might make him nervous and he may be too scared to reveal his true self. Enjoy each other’s company and get to know your common interests.

3.       See through pretensions – A person can never pretend for a long time consistently. Try to spot the pretensions. Many times, his words will be very different from his actions. Know if the person is just being charming to win you over. Don’t be floored.

4.       Ask what he wants in his mate – Usually when anybody is asked this, they give you vague general answers like having a good education, being caring etc. The reason could be that they might not have thought a lot about it. Try to get specific answers like the answers you gave yourself.  You will get a vague idea about whether you fit it or not.

5.       Now ask the questions you asked yourself – Once you are comfortable talking to each other, ask to see if he fits you. Don’t be judgmental. For if you are, chances are that the person will not answer correctly or he will answer what you like to hear. Make it fun and ask him to be as honest as possible. See if he has what you are looking for.

These are not fool proof, but provide a basic guideline. There will also be your family to help you with it. So have fun and enjoy the process. All the best!

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5 Responses to "How to choose your partner for life"

Thank you for sharing this article with the world.

Check out my new blogs at

http://www.nlesspennies.wordpress.com
http://www.nlesscoins.wordpress.com

That is a very interesting post!
Thank-you!

Jasmine x

Hello jasmineknight,

I am happy to know you liked it. It would be good if you can add to it too.

Check out this documentary on arranged marriage.

http://www.vancouveriam.com/videos/caa28d371db1

Please support young journalists.

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